I mean, definitely still apologize if you fucked up. I'm talking, stop apologizing for making decisions about your own life that virtually have no stock in how they affect others. I was away with my husband for a wedding this past weekend, and guess who didn't come....yep, you guessed it, MY KIDS! I was living my best frickin' life. Just because I enjoyed a weekend away without my kids doesn't mean I love them any less, or am any less of a mom than people who choose to be with their kids 24/7. And I don't feel the need to apologize for feeling GOOD about being away from my kids. At one point I had asked a couple fellow mamas, who left infants at home, how they were doing, and both of them responded with something along the lines of: good, I mean, I hope that didn't sound bad.
I think at some point we've all fallen victim to feeling the need to apologize for or justify our decisions. Why do we do this?! Sorry, I won't make book club, I want to put the kiddos to bed tonight. I'm having a great time, BUT I really miss my kids and I've facetimed them 247 times already. Sorry, can I just say something? Sorry to bother you. I bought myself a designer bag, BUT it was on sale and I had a gift card (yes I know, most designer bags don't go on sale...but you get it). Has anyone else also accidentally apologized to an inanimate object after running into it? So awkward. Similar to when the server says, "Enjoy your meal", and your auto response is, "Thanks, you too!"
The true meaning of an apology is "A regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure". How many times have we all apologized for something simply because we wanted to avoid conflict? I don't want anyone to be mad at me for missing book club. I don't want to seem like an inattentive mother for having a good time without my kids. I don't want to seem too aggressive for wanting to express my opinion. I don't want to sound pretentious for buying a nice item. Here's the thing, though, NONE of these examples are an offense or a failure in any capacity. In fact, quite the opposite, really.
We've become so inherently dependent on avoiding friction within society that we just start over-apologizing, even for our successes. Sure, some of the decisions we make DO impact other people, but it's often not an intentional act of destruction. Enter assuming the worst. She doesn't want to come to book club because she doesn't like us. She's not a very good mom and just leaves her kids all the time. She just wants to show off how much money she has to make me feel bad about myself. The fuck?! Now that I'm putting all of this in writing, it's become very clear why we feel the need to apologize for everything. What we don't realize, though, is that every time we unnecessarily apologize, we're lowering our own self-confidence. What's even more interesting, is there is a study out there that found that people who refused to express remorse (for fear of conflict, or things out of our control), showed greater self-esteem, feelings of control and integrity.
At the wedding I just attended, something the Maid of Honor said stuck out like a golden egg: Good people know good people. Maybe if we all surround ourselves with the goodness in people, we will stop feeling the need to apologize for our successes, because those good people will be lifting us up. Stop apologizing for your ideas, your decisions, and your successes.
You can't fill from an empty cup!
